It's been Seven years now....seven...that's almost ten. I have a daughter who is almost 5 and I have missed my dad for seven years. There are those days you remember so clearly, it feels like every detail hung on a string for you to inspect as it spun with the draft. Those days stay so distinct. Every word. Every emotion. Every feeling in your chest, throat, eyes, ears.
February 6th 2005 is one.
February 6th 2005 is one.
And maybe I'll go over the others later.
But today is saved for my dad.
He died 7 years ago today from non Hodgkins lymphoma
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| That's him there with some of his brothers, mom and one of his sisters, he's on the right (with the short shorts) ha! |
My dad and all but two of his siblings were graced with daughters and lots of them. They raised us to run and play outdoors. I was raised to appreciate nature and the gift of life. That message on life took me a little longer to understand than nature. You're immortal as a child and teenager, you won't die and no one you know will either even if they have terminal cancer. You're prepared for anything.
But that's just not true.
You can't prepare, with all the notice in the world there is no willing yourself to be okay.
Over a year, at 19, I went to two funerals, a far too young friend of mine and my dad's.
My dad, that guy who cradled me when I fell.
Flew kites with me on windy days and threw the foxtail on not so windy days.
Who had to sleep on the kitchen floor with me during my 2 day vomit fest.
The one who regularly took me to the dollar theatre and had me sneak in granola bars or trail mix...embarrassing(because popcorn isn't healthy!) But the trade off was that I was able to sit in his lap even when I was far too old to be sitting in laps. He'd let me sit there until his legs fell asleep.
But that's just not true.
You can't prepare, with all the notice in the world there is no willing yourself to be okay.
Over a year, at 19, I went to two funerals, a far too young friend of mine and my dad's.
My dad, that guy who cradled me when I fell.
Flew kites with me on windy days and threw the foxtail on not so windy days.
Who had to sleep on the kitchen floor with me during my 2 day vomit fest.
The one who regularly took me to the dollar theatre and had me sneak in granola bars or trail mix...embarrassing(because popcorn isn't healthy!) But the trade off was that I was able to sit in his lap even when I was far too old to be sitting in laps. He'd let me sit there until his legs fell asleep.
You know...(we all know).that guy who wore whatever the heck he felt like and as I grew to be a teenager and be embarrassed of my parents...well he really embraced it then.
Oh the visions of wool socks with leather sandals that will never ever leave me. And the school bus yellow shirt, that shirt that yes will live on indefinitely on the quilt that keeps me warm at night. Thank you Aunt Delona, that shirt witnessed many "Dad please don't wear that"'s
Seven years means you forget what their hugs feel like. You think you remember their voice but you're not certain. In 2012 seven years means I have close to no digitally stored pictures and have anxiety about losing photos.
In seven years I have grown from a "prepared"(naive) 19 year old to a 26 year old working mother of two(can't claim that I am not still naive).I've grown from the endless paper/check mortgage bill pay system he taught me in high school to online bill pay!(what a great invention) I've gone from living in the house I grew up in, to owning the home I raise my children in. I tuck them in in my old room and sometimes they dive into my bed in the middle of the night in my dad's old room. I went from waking up to see what was under the tree for me, to waking up to see my children marveling at what is under the same tree for them.
In seven years I have grown from a "prepared"(naive) 19 year old to a 26 year old working mother of two(can't claim that I am not still naive).I've grown from the endless paper/check mortgage bill pay system he taught me in high school to online bill pay!(what a great invention) I've gone from living in the house I grew up in, to owning the home I raise my children in. I tuck them in in my old room and sometimes they dive into my bed in the middle of the night in my dad's old room. I went from waking up to see what was under the tree for me, to waking up to see my children marveling at what is under the same tree for them.
Since February 6, 2005 I've learned:
- Have two or more children, they will need each other when hardship strikes. And if none does, they will support each other's children. All of my uncles and aunts have provided a great hand when I need it,(even now) particularly my Uncle Darwin and Aunt Barbara who have helped me and have taught me so much.
- Respect yourself
- Be picky about which eco flush toilet you buy, some of them behave like angry teenagers
- Less clutter in your life means less clutter in others lives
- Say I love you every time you feel it
- We don't all get to grow up at the same time
- Pesto is the best condiment(I say that because I use it like one)
- Excuse yourself during father daughter dances
- Washable crayons are a must
- Divorce is a roller coaster, but you land safely at the end
- Goat cheese and honey on bread is bliss
- Blogging makes me less shy....virtually.
And most importantly...
Appreciation
I appreciate everything my dad taught and gave me. I appreciate all of my friends and family that stood me up straighter when I have had a hard time. The one's that were there to talk it out with me or answer my questions. And spending time with you all, especially on the holidays.
<3
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